5th
Is it stupid that I can’t stop thinking about the guy from last weekend?
For fuck’s sake, he’s thousands of miles away and he has a girlfriend with whom he’s been for a while now.
I am usually a very rational person, and I am always the one telling people to be realistic and not get lost in their fantasies. Yet here I am, thinking about a guy that is completely out of my reach, because even if I lived over there, he’d still have a girlfriend and be equally unattainable.
Perhaps the reason why I can’t stop thinking about it is because it all seemed too good at the time. There I was, on a fucking holiday, and I meet a guy in the middle of the street, and we smile at each other and exchange phone numbers and he says something about Icelandic women being independent enough to call men, and I say something about that not being the way Americans work. But he wanted me to call! And I called, and we hung out, and he smoked me up on a fucking roof and we stayed there for a long time, talking and laughing and making nerdy jokes that most people don’t get. And we grabbed a beer, and we talked some more, and we walked and we talked and I didn’t want to go back but he had to wake up early. And I remember getting back, and jumping on Joey’s bed, and giving him a play-by-play of what I was sure was the best date I’d ever been on.
But is it still a date if he has a girlfriend? I felt stupid for thinking he’d be interested. He can’t be interested; he has a girlfriend! So he wasn’t interested. Or was he? I mean, he was definitely flirting with me on Friday night…
I need to get over this shit. It’s kind of hard for me, because I never meet smart, hot guys. Well, fuck me, I never meet any guys. Not any guys who’d be interested in me, that is. I know a lot of guys, but they’re just friends. That’s all I ever am to guys, a friend. Which is all fine and good, but sometimes I want someone I can hold. Someone I can kiss and cook for and buy cute shit for when I see anything that reminds me of him. Someone who will come over with my favorite ice cream and watch something stupid on TV and spend the night. Friends can’t do that. Not the way a boyfriend can.
I got too excited over the prospect of hooking up with a smart, fun, adorable, hot guy and having an amazing story to tell back in Boston. I fantasized over getting occasional IMs from him, having a place to stay at if and when I decided to return to Iceland, a promise to visit me and hook up when he came to visit his parents.
Am I a total fucking psycho?
It feels like I’m never going to find what I want. Most people my age either have been or are in a relationship. I haven’t, and I’m not currently in one. Granted, mostly because I don’t like the idea of being tied down to someone —although people in relationships choose to be with each other and there’s not feeling of being tied down, I KNOW— but it’s not exactly like the opportunity has presented itself. No guy has liked me enough to do more than take me out on a couple of dates or fuck me a couple of times. Although I am quite aware that I’d dread being in a relationship after the initial lust fades away, I still want one. I want one the way I wanted to get drunk when I was 14: I knew it’d be fun in the beginning, but, after a while, it’d be depressing and horrible and I’d be dying to crawl out of whatever hole I’d drunk myself into.
Don’t get me wrong; as much as I want to be with someone, I actually like being single. Being single is fun so long as there’s guys to hit on me and for me to hit on, and when there’s plenty of guys, I am a happy camper. I am on the fucking top of the world when I am surrounded by guys who want me and I can’t make up my mind. Having options thrills me. Feeling wanted and desired fuels me. But if there’s no guys— then being single is really no fun at all. It is nights in front of the TV, guzzling wine in bed. Learning how to cook for one and failing miserably and saving the leftovers in the fridge and having them for breakfast the next day.
So the idea of being in a relationship bores me to death, but singledom is only appealing if there’s guys around. It seems like neither option will satisfy me. Since A doesn’t work and B doesn’t work either and there is no in-between (well, there is, but when it comes down to it, you’re either with someone or you’re not), I am stuck in the middle being confused and trying to figure out what I want and getting wrapped up in the little fantasy world I built in my head, where I end up being with a guy who lives across an ocean from me.
