3rd
File under: Reasons why I refuse to do the online dating, even if it means I am as single as ever.
OK Cupid has been bugging me because I haven’t been on in forever. So then I’m like, you know what? I prefer the more romantic idea of meeting someone randomly rather than sitting at my computer wailing that I want a boyfriendish person, but I need to start dating, so I’m going to give this a shot. And then I get “intimate messages” like this one. And seriously, who came up with that? That sounds like sex with a stranger and, while my few one night stands have been pretty fun, on the Internet it’s just straight-up creepy. But I digress.
Some Italian Kayaker person messaged me saying, “Hey, you’re a mystery match for me apparently and apparently you like sushi?”
Like, are you fucking for reals here? Are you expecting a reply? Like, God knows if that shit works, next time I see a cute guy wearing shoes I’ll go up to him and say, “Hey, apparently you like wearing shoes? I love wearing shoes. I can’t live without it, I do it every day!” and see if that shit works. Then of course I go check out his profile, because he might be really hot but incredibly stupid, and I can deal with that. I am at a point in my life where being completely superficial is justified; I’m not really interested in anybody’s love and devotion. I’m easy to please: all I want is someone I can call when I’m drunk. Like a bitch on demand or something. But he’s nothing special and he has a photo holding a fish. Not really attractive.
Oh my fucking God, where the hell are the normal people? And this is a rhetorical questions because I know they are most certainly NOT on the fucking Internet. But where are the normal, pretty cute and fuckable guys who buy me a few beers and then sleep with me and never call me again? The guys I won’t give a fuck about? The guys I will laugh about when someone tells me they go to Harvard Extension School and not Harvard University*? Like, can someone just show me to where they are?
Last time I had a one-night stand it was this Spanish guy I picked up at Rumor one Thursday night last summer. We were introduced by a friend, turns out he also goes to MIT and he starts dancing with me and all of a sudden we’re furiously making out in a corner. He asked me if I had a single at Senior House, and I said yes and asked why. He said he had a car parked around the corner and to let him know when I wanted to go. He bought me a few drinks and we danced some more and then left and we came back here. We had loud drunk sex, and he was gone in a couple of hours. He gave me a courtesy text and then disappeared right out of my life. And that’s exactly the way it should be.
And so I need to figure out how I’m going to recreate that magic, but I doubt OK Cupid will help much.
(* I guess I should’ve made clear that I’m NOT making fun for HES, but I make fun of guys they say they go to Harvard when they go to the Extension School. They are NOT the same!)
