1st
On sexual orientation and labels.
Someone asked:
This sounds like a really stupid question I know, but how do you know if you’re straight/gay/whatever? I’m a girl, have been “questioning” or whatever you call it for about 2 years. I’m 19 now and I really just want to know and move on at this point. I honestly don’t care either way, but I’m confused. I’ve always had crushes on girls and I still do, but sometimes I can’t tell if the way I like them is just a friendly thing or a more-than-friends thing. I don’t really have crushes on guys, but sometimes I’ll think a guy passing by is hot so I guess I’ll sometimes like them in that way, but it’s never anything more than that. When I masturbate I think about girls.
I know you can’t tell me either way, but I’m curious: what does it sound like I am? Also, have you ever questioned, and if so, how’d you figure it out?
It sounds like you believe that you need to identify yourself one way or the other. Honestly, there’s no need to just “know and move on.” Your sexual orientation is not the most important thing that you are, so I don’t see the need to call it something and move on with your life. If you asked me what I am, honestly, “straight” would be one of the last things I’d think about.
When I was still in high school, I went to a bar and met this girl, Pam. Pam was friendly and I love meeting people, so we had a good time getting to know each other. All of a sudden, I feel like she’s flirting with me, and a little alarm goes off in my head. This had never really happened to me and so I didn’t know how to handle it. I told her that I was into guys, but that she was chill and I’d love to be friends. She was fine with this, and we became good friends.
While I knew I was pretty crazy about guys, I couldn’t really say I wasn’t into girls unless I tried it, right? And so one day, we kissed. I told her I was curious about what it was like to kiss a girl, and she was game for it. It was a good kiss, but it didn’t feel the same way kissing a guy felt. I didn’t feel the fireworks I felt when I kissed a guy. And so I guess, if you had to put a name to it, that I’m straight. I’ve only had sex with men, and that was my only experience with another girl. But at the same time, I don’t really identify myself with a sexual orientation unless I’m filling out forms or whatever— and even then, I only do it for the sake of convenience. The thought of closing myself off from other experiences by giving my sexual orientation a clear definition is not all that appealing to me. I like men for now, yes, but who knows if I’ll prefer women at some point, right?
Some people might disagree with me when I say this, but sexual orientation is not a fixed, set-in-stone thing. You can be into girls today, and then have a relationship with a man a year from now. The fact that you may have at one point liked girls doesn’t make you a lesbian, and being in a relationship with a man doesn’t necessarily mean you’re straight. This is my beef with labels: They make you feel like once you check a box, you’re tied to the title forever. Thinking that you won’t be able to experience anything else once you make up your mind about your sexual orientation is quite close-minded.
I don’t think the fact that you think of girls when you masturbate could necessarily be an indication of your sexual orientation, at all. It’s actually not uncommon at all for a girl to fantasize about another woman. So don’t feel weird about that or think that it means that you are into girls. A lot of people fantasize about things they might never want to do in real life (like rape), so don’t think that the things that wander through your mind when you masturbate are the things you want to do in real life. (But at the same time, I’m not saying you might not be into girls. I’m just saying that you masturbating to girls is not a clear indication of your orientation.)
Look, it’s great if you know that you prefer to sleep with guys. And it’s also great if you decide you’d rather be with a girl. But it’s not really a bad thing to be “confused.” On the contrary, I think it’s a great opportunity. It gives you the chance to experiment with an open mind. So, my advice would be to forget about this overwhelming need to call yourself one thing or the other. Allow yourself to like whomever you want to like, and to get involved with whomever strikes your fancy, regardless of sexual orientation. Experiment with guys and girls alike, and figure out what you like and what you don’t. You can’t know if you like guys or girls if you don’t try both, right? But at the same time, don’t feel like just because at this point in your life you like guys, you’ll always have to be with men. (And have you ever thought of what a perk it is to have a dating pool twice as big? The thought of it makes me green with envy!)
(I really enjoy this giving advice thing. Do you have a question for me?)
