29th
An open letter to all MIT freshmen:
Hey froshie,
I know you just got to college and are trying to live out your carefully-shaped-by-movies idea of what a college life is. You know, getting wasted off vodka shots and Naty Ice beer, chain-smoking Camels, grinding with some sketchy Frat boy who’ll later take you to his room to get better acquainted, that sort of thing. Which is all great, if you’re into it. Until you decide to bring your drunken friends over to our suite while we are baking and playing Cranium. I’m a pretty friendly person, but if you’re being a complete idiot after your two shots of Smirnoff, you can’t blame me for hitting the Bitch Switch.
So fine, you were really trying to pronounce my name right and that is why you bugged me all night long asking me if you were saying it right. I appreciate you putting so much effort into such a menial task, especially when half your brain is turned to mush and the other half is focusing all of its energy into balancing that cigarette between your fingertips. But really, stop being such a pushover and trying to act like you’re cool shit because you’re smoking and talking about literature with the upperclassmen. Most of them hate putting on the intellectual act; they’ll just do it for as long as it takes for you to drop your pants. Or was long as it takes to find someone else who’ll drunkenly blow them in the bathroom, whatever comes first.
Also, what was it with the whole trying-to-impress-me thing? Am I the judge on all things awesome? Because I really don’t see the point in trying to win me over. (OK, I’ll stop being humble, because I know I’m a pretty cool girl.) It’s really annoying to have you crying because I told you to shut the fuck up, because I really didn’t mean to make you cry, and if that sort of thing pushes you over the edge, then you need to grow thicker skin if you want to live here. And then having to sit across from you and have you ask me repeatedly why I don’t like you pissed me off. If you really want to know, I don’t quite like you because you are the epitome of the annoying freshmen I hated even when I was a freshman: You’re wasted off your ass, you puke in my friends’ suite, you suck on cigarettes and blow the smoke right out (no, that’s NOT smoking), and you try too hard.
I must give you credit for bringing all your friends from West Campus over here to par-tay. Not because I liked them, because they were all annoying like you, but because you consider this place to be cool enough to bring people to, which is not something Baker kids can say about their dorm.
