30th
Thoughts of yesterday.
I went to Haymarket, as I usually do on Saturday mornings. My iPod ran out of battery, so I was left alone with my thoughts on the train ride there. I mostly thought of this one guy- God knows why the hell he popped up in my head, but I found myself thinking of him- and how weird it is that someone I dislike so strongly introduced me to things I loved back then, and still love today. He introduced me to great music, far too different from the stuff my fellow 11th-graders listened to. He trained my musical palate and showed me what good music was; he played The Mars Volta and Mew for me, and he sung Coldplay’s lovely music. And I still listen to all of these bands today, a lot. It was he who first showed me Postsecret, and I still read it every day. He took me to my first Circo concert, and holding his hand right there I fell in love twice that day.
I was completely into this guy, so much that I’d sneak out of my house with my dad’s car and my learner’s permit, and drive over an hour, all by myself, just to get ice cream with him. He’d write me poems, which he’d read to me over the phone. He’d impress me with his “smart talk” about Calculus, and I’d be swooning on the other end of the line. I never thought a guy that sweet and sensitive would hurt me, especially when he pursued me until I finally gave in and went out with him. Funny thing how he’d be trying to charm me over the phone first, and now I was baking brownies for him. The things stupid girls do for guys!
And then he broke my heart a couple of days before my 16th birthday. I cried like a baby, smashed my phone against the wall, and screamed until I could no more. If there is anything more annoying to me than a guy who’ll break my heart, it’s a guy who’ll first pursue me even though I’m not interested, convince me to go out with him, charm me with his good looks and sweet talk, and then tell me to fuck off.
It took me months to get over it. I’ve never been one to take guys seriously, so if I take a chance on someone and it ends up a disaster, it reenforces the idea that I probably shouldn’t take anything guys say to heart.
I still see him around from time to time when I go back to Puerto Rico. He still thinks he’s the shit, but I know better now. I’m now taller than him, and I don’t have to wear heels to piss him off. I’m smarter, I got into a better school, things worked out better. I got hotter, he got fatter. I get a weird satisfaction out of seeing that, if he tried to get with me today, he’d never succeed, because I deserve way better than him and I know it.
Maybe I should stop bringing my iPod everywhere, and instead listen to my inner voice.
